Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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