Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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