i just made my gag reflex go away.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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