why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
