I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
