I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
