I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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