how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
