Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
