I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
