no you cant smoke seaweed
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
