Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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