Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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