god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
