$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my being single is dangerous.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
