I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
