also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
