I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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