one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
