if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
