Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
