no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
