she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
