I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
