You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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