i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
