If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
