Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
