Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
