when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
