Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You left your phone here
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