Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
