I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
