I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
