so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
