I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
