wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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