i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
