All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
