chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
