No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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