John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
