I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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