I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
