You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
