I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
