never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
