Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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