but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
