It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
