Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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