sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
